Top 10 WORST video games ever

[Awar]

http://www.seanbaby.com/nes/egm.htm

Brilliantly written reviews of games such as:

Captain Novolin, a educational game
for diabetic kids. Excerpt: Remember this: it's an electronic video game. That means that for every diabetic life it saved, it killed that many epileptics.

Fun: 0/10
Luckily, the worst medical affliction I have is a huge unmanageable penis, so I didn't really need a game about diabetes. But after doing the research for this article, I really could have used a game about removing the remains of my fist from a hole in the TV.

[ÅnÐReS]

LOL! Some people really have too much time on their hands.

[Awar]

This guy used to be a journalist for EGM, read the entire site, he's hilarious.

[bocian]

#1: ET, The Extra Terrestrial (2600)


Fun: 0/10
This is an actual true story: Atari manufactured five million E.T. cartridges, and according to Atari's CEO, "nearly all of them came back." It got to a point where the world's children refused to take them for free. To put that into perspective, I've seen kids buy dead spiders from each other for a nickle. Calling this game a piece of trash is actually scientifically accurate because Atari eventually took their massive collection of useless E.T. cartridges and buried it in a New Mexico landfill. So if you ever lose your mind and want a copy of E.T., or maybe five million, grab a shovel and drive out to the desert. They're free.

[Rusalka]

I hope no one is taking offense, but this really is a riot!

#19: Bible Adventures (NES)


I bet voodoo worshippers don't buy their kids shit like this.

If there's a God, why does He let bad things happen? Or more importantly, why did He let these idiots put His name on this video game? Even Carrot Top can control what his name endorses. Whether our Lord and savior had a hand in Bible Adventures or not, His game blesses us with three terrible adventures to choose from: Noah's Ark, Baby Moses, and David & Goliath. All of them combined the fun of learning about the Bible with the excitement of boring, monotonous wandering.

In Noah's Ark, you play the part of Noah hunting down and subdueing unwilling animals, usually by smashing a vegetable over their head. If you're familiar with the story, God needs you to collect two of each so that you can repopulate the animal kingdom after He DROWNS EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE EARTH. The problem you run into is that some of the animals hide. Clearly, the beasts have the devil in them, and after an hour of trying to find where Satan hid my boat's second pony, I gave up. Either God gives me a god damn pony detector or He's just going to have to make some more ponies after he's done killing everybody. Lazy fuck.

In Baby Moses, your job is to carry Baby Moses through the desert. I'm not much of a Bible reader, so I don't know what this story's about. All I know is that every single spider in that fucking desert wants to kill Baby Moses. You can throw the baby at them, but neither he or the spiders get hurt. Baby Moses just bounces a few times and smiles. And it doesn't take more than a couple minutes for the game to degenerate into me throwing Baby Moses into a river, watching him sink, then pretending it was an accident.


God? If you don't want me to feed this baby to fish, strike me with lightninnngg... now. Okay then... sorry, Baby Moses!

This might surprise you if you know anything about babies, but there's no consequence for drowning Baby Moses. You can go back to the beginning of the level and get a new baby any time you want. Your only mission is to get him to the end of the level, but if you beat it without him your only reprimand is, "GOOD WORK! BUT YOU FORGOT BABY MOSES!" That's it. No one screams, "Not only did you fail, you killed Moses 94 times! What's the matter with you!?" So even if you kill Baby Moses, you still feel pretty good about yourself. And I'd like to think that's exactly how Baby Moses would want it while he was sitting on the bottom of the river getting eaten by spiders?

Graphics: 6/10
With the handicap of it being for the Nintendo and being made by Christians, the graphics weren't that bad. But since almost all of your time will be spent throwing Moses into the water and laughing, it doesn't really matter what the rest of the game looks like.

[Awar]

@Bocian: The story about ET cartridges and the landfill is actualy true!

@Rusalka: Here's where he makes fun of the pagans:
http://www.seanbaby.com/nes/basedoncrap08.htm

[Awar]

Hehehe:

Sunday Funday was a game based on getting to Sunday School on time. I wish I was kidding. You were a little boy on a skateboard fighting your way through a city to learn about the Lord. Normally, you can expect some divine protection when you're trying to get to church; God likes to keep people safe if they're on their way to throw their hands up and sing songs about Him. Not in this game. In fact, you get so little help from God that old women are trying to kill you, and moles come up from the sewer to throw dynamite at you. I don't know about everyone else, but if I was on my way to church and animals were popping out of manholes and trying to kill me with explosives, I'd take that as a sign. Someone seriously doesn't want me at that church.



http://www.seanbaby.com/nes/basedoncrap02.htm

[ÅnÐReS]

#8: White Men Can't Jump (Jaguar)

Movies never quite translate into games correctly. White Men Can't Jump, the movie, was the definative film about high stakes street basketball gambling, and for the video game version of it, I was looking forward to fighting my way through the kingdom of the swamp people with a fire-basketball-throwing atomic Wesley Snipes. That's why it was so shocking that it's actually made the game about basketball. A game about basketball so bad that some electricity might refuse to power it.

It's two on two basketball, which is is four players more than the programmers were ready to handle, and the camera has to constantly zoom in and out to keep all the players on the screen. I've found the game looks best if you zoom all the way out to somebody else's house where no one was stupid enough to buy an Atari Jaguar.

Thanks to the sloppy graphics and insane camera work, the hoop usually looks like a distant clump of Grape Nuts, so you can never tell whether you made a basket or not. The programmers seemed to know this, so to help you determine whether the ball went in, hardcore street basketball phrases appear at the top of the screen whenever you shoot. Unfortunately, the game developers must have hired 40 year old golfers at a French country club to write their hardcore street slang. When you throw up a shot, it screams nonsense like "BANGIN' UP HIGH THE HANDLE HOMEY BEEF!" Maybe that means that I made the shot or maybe it means "There is a tornado approaching the court, my friends. We should escape and your mother is a whore." I'll never know; the manual doesn't have a translation guide. So if like me, you don't come from whatever hip-hoppin' tough street that speaks this alien language, you have to try to decode "DOWN STREET ON THE FLIPFLOP TIMEPANTS!" on your own.

Graphics: 2/10
White Men Can't Jump's animation is so fucked you wouldn't even call it "choppy." The players in this game seriously look like four cardboard cutouts of basketball-player-shaped peanut butter got glued to the top of remote control cars and then someone peed on them.

Fun: 0/10
This game is so boring it wouldn't be fun if you were somehow playing it while bungee jumping into a Chuck E. Cheese's full of nude ninja girls fighting the Predator.

Blatant Racism: 8/10
Since they're usually targetted at children, things in video games get blown out of proportion by censors and pussies. That's why parent groups protested Mortal Kombat, but never even tried once to burn down the house of the equally violent Steven Seagal. So it's weird that no one cared when White Men Can't Jump the game was released. That's racist as hell. Maybe no one cared since only a handful of the tasteless elite bought it, or maybe because parents were distracted by the more offensive "Asian Women Drive Like Tiny Maniacs" or the Super Nintendo classic, "Fucking Ten-Year-Old Hindu Kids Can't Hold Their Liquor."

[Awar]

I missed that one!