Gay Pride.. or Hell?

[Menydh]

WARNING!!!

The contents of this account can seriously hurt any sensibility.
The reason why I have translated this is for those who believe in "tollerating" such practices to think twice, and for those who oppose to have a real account of the real thing.

[Menydh]

Gay Pride.. or Hell?
Testimonial of an Homosexual Trapped in a Nightmare World

Translated from "¿Orgullo... o Infierno Gay?"
Transcripted by Leopoldo Varela
Revista Época

"I started when I was in second year of University" --explains 33 year old Juan José L. F., from Madrid. "I used to go to gay clubs with friends, but posh ones, in the area around Pelayo St. and Augusto Figueroa St., near the Gran Vía (a high street in central Madrid).

I felt attracted by the fun and libidinous of it. There we disconnected, we laughed, you could see macho men, we got stoned with joints and drinks. It was an alternative to girls. But the libidinous part of it went growing and taking over. I started to frequent other places, attracted by curiousity.

Two years later, during a Summer, I lived the experience of what is called a dark room. That changed my life. I had heard of them, I had read things in magazines such as Mensual, Shangay Express or Zero [gay magazines], but I had never been into one.

The first thing that calls your attention is the darkness. After a short while you start to distinguish the lines of bodies that move slowly. They start getting close to you. It is a mixture of fear and attraction. You have doubts about throwing yourself into a sea of sensations. All of a sudden, you notice a hand touching you. The adrenaline runs through your body. Your heart gallops inside your torax..."

"Since then -continues J.J. with his account- I got hooked to the roller-coaster, which is how I call it, and didn't want to get off it. You feel the vertigo, but you start needing it more and more each time. I started to go all weekends. And when I knew all the dark rooms of all the gay clubs, saunas or discos in Madrid, I discovered those in Tenerife, Valencia, Rome or Hamburg, during my holiday seasons.

Sometimes I go with a group, with three or four friends. Or whenever I've had a boyfriend, I've gone with him. Other times I go on my own, but I get lost in those labyrinths and I have relations with different and anonymous people. There lies the libido. Which places? Bars and clubs of Chueca, Gran Vía or Lavapiés.

What are the feelings? The sensation that there are no barriers, nothing to stop you. The sexual relations seem to have no limit. You go on trying experiences which are stronger and more prohibited each time.

But the next day, when you go back to your everyday life, a sensation of anguish and despise for yourself accompanies you. The memories of those relations stick in your mind like like a post-it note, and there is no way to forget them.

As time goes by you need more bizarrous experiences, because those past experiences are boring you already. You need to feel the adrenaline and the heart galloping inside your chest. And then you search for more exciting experiences, even if that implies to go well over the limits of madness.

And it seems to you as if you are going to get out unhurt of it.. but no. The more bizarre the sexual experiences, the more anxiety you feel. And you get to the point of hating yourself. But the next week you go back to the private orgy, to the sauna, to the leather festival (hard sex mode, where participants wear leather harnesses, hats and other paraphernalia). And by now you cannot run away from it.

The orgies are organized on Thursdays or during the weekends. They are advertized in the places or on the internet. Some clubs have scheduled events. There are interchanges abroad, and circuits through gay clubs or discos throughout Europe. There are monographic parties: all dressed in leather, or all naked. Or only for skin[heads], or for the so called bears (hairy people).

You want to die

What is what J.J. fears most, or what most disgusts you from that sub-world? "What I fear most are the diseases. It is a terrifying fear, which weaks you up at night. But what disgusts me most is something altogether different. It is the sensation that the other people, in the orgies, use you as if you were an object. You feel reduced to a thing, you are not a person.

Some bloke in a dark room sees you and goes for you, frenzied, as if he cannot hold himself, and instead of talking to you he starts touching you and opens your zipper. I feel an anguish installed in my chest, like a slow and heavy explosion of sadness.

There are occasions in which you feel nice with a bloke and you have a good feeling. And when you finish it, you even get to talk to him and have some drinks. But other times you have the sensation of being used. I can't stand it: the bloke wants your body, he doesn't want you. He wants to possess you, use you, and then you are over. And then it is as if you had a moment of sanity, as if you woke up in the middle of the nightmare and said: But, has he gone crazy? What is this bloke doing, touching and sodomizing me, out of himself, like a beast? And then you hate him and you hate yourself: because it happens that you are just like him, you see your image reflected in the mirror. And you wish to die.

The fear to diseases is a torture. My gay friends deny it, they say that they usually don't think about it. But that's a lie. On the contrary: they almost don't think of anything else.

Try to imagine: all damn day with practices of high risk: anal sex, oral sex, "fisting" (English term which is used for the act of introducing the fist, and even the forearm, via the rectus). All day playing with danger: with semen or with blood. And more often than not without a preservative. How are we not going to shiver with fear, even if we don't say it?"

A major freight

"It came five years ago, an anal gonorrhoea. The surprise was freightful. I though that I might have had AIDS too, and I took the test. Fortunately, there was nothing. I cured the gonorrhoea with anti-biotics. But the fear, the displeasure cannot be cured. When you go to a doctor, with the analysis, with exudates, you feel like a dirty cloth, like a human waste: you are nothing, and less than nothing. And you hate yourself again.

You lie to yourself. You believe that you are not going to catch any venereal disease. In the midst of the euphoria in a party, when you are fully naked, and stuffed with drinks --or some pill--, transported to another galaxy with the music and the background noise, it seems to you as if you can do anything and everything, and that you can do it with anyone and everyone. Then you don't want anyone to talk to you about hepatitis, syphillis, herpes or AIDS. But on the very same night, while you are sleeping it, all of a sudden you wake up with the sensation that you are infected, that the virus is already inside you, even if you don't have the sympthoms.

That's the worst anguish: you cannot run away, you cannot find refuge from the disease... because the disease is inside you. And there is all your memories. One after the other, without forgetting one of your sexual adventures. You can't sleep. You stuff yourself with pills.

I have been up to six months clean. Without having sex nor frequenting those places. I did it out of fear, of course. I was convinced that I already was infected with AIDS and that the countdown had started in the clock of my life.

Every visit to the doctor, every analysis, every hour in the waiting room, waiting for the sentence [to death] in the form of [medical] results, it was an inhibitor of the sexual fury. But you always go back. The fear fades away, you feel confident, and then you go back.

During the months of abstinence, you think that the gay world is madness. You see it from some distance and think that you are crazy... all people there obsessed with "dipping", with fucking (sorry), that's the goal. Then there are the parties, the paraphernalia, the clothes, the adornaments, but underneath all that there is nothing else than one goal: hard sex, that's all. Sometimes I have spoken about it --and argued-- with friends: if you take away hard sex, what's left? Nothing. But the problem is that not many dare to say this."

You turn into a neurotic

"I have seen terrible things in gay orgies. Monographic parties of "pissing" (golden rain); of "fisting" (the fist); or even of sado-masochism (they tie you up, they slash you, they sting you, they even put off cigarette ends in your genitals). Or nudist clubs. In Madrid, there is one where it is nearly impossible to get out of it without two or three relations.

Or places with strict codes for clothing (some places only admit harnesses or rubber and leather items; in other places, military clothing). Or with signal codes: there are orgies where wearing a handkerchief of some given colour it signifies that you like to be sodomized, or that you like fetishes, or black kiss, for instance. It is a matter of finding your other half.

Or people who take their madness to decorate their bodies -included the genitals- with tattoos and piercing, or to shave all the hair of their anatomy.

I have never been to the Psychiatrist, as many of other gay buddies have. But I would like to talk about all this with normal people, people who are not involved in this. But for it you need to get into a distance from that world.

You become neurotic. You suffer because you see friends of yours who have got infected with AIDS, and who have died from it; or all of a sudden you find them in a place and they are all skin and bones, consumed up, and you realize that they are already near to their end, and that they have infected others or that they are going to transmit it to every living being. Or wearing nappies for life, like two who I met, who had to have a colostomy (part of the colon removed) because they had destroyed their colons through forcing toys (vibrators, plastic pennises, etc.) into their anuses.

You cool down, think about it, and say: what madness. Every club of hard sex, every sauna is one time bomb of AIDS, a focus of infection, which waves expand farther on every step. And then there is the sensation of schizophrenia. When you live your normal life it is a mental torture to remember, while you are talking to a work mate, or to your mother, of the fisting session for example. And as there is no stop to it, you apply your sexual fantasies to people who surround you, which they are more bizarre and extravagant as time passes. And in those moments you realize that you are no longer the owner of your mind.

Of course that I have thought of giving up more than once. But you are hooked and you can't. Not because someone else impells you from getting out, but because you impell yourself. It is as if you had the faculty of the will divided into two: on the one hand it revolts you, but on the other hand you desire it. You end up destroyed, neurotic beyond remedy."


[source]

[Milesian]

What an awful story. Apart from being nauseatingly graphic and disgusting, it's also a terribly sad tale. This guy seems to be living in a world of fear, confusion and self-loathing. He's basically become a prisoner of a warped lifestyle, a cult which he is addicted to and he can no longer control his urges and passions. He has become little more than a slavish animal ruled by lust, or perhaps ever more debased.

These people should be getting help but instead the "Powers That Be" want to initiate us all into this "progressive, liberated" world of theirs.
I can't find words to describe my horror regarding this madness.

[Prinz Eugen]

Unfortunetely last week took place the 1st "gay pride" parade in Athens!
It's also sad that in a traditional country like Spain the marriage between gays are now legalize!

[Menydh]

Yes, through his account it is easy to derive that he has an urgent need for psychiatric help. Now, the problem is that there is a witch hunt against the Psychiatrists who offer such help, as seen with the case of Prof. Aquilino Polaino here: Child adoption and homosexuals

There is even a webpage to send Prof. Polaino a message of support, here.

[bocian]

Originally Posted by Milesian

I can't find words to describe my horror regarding this madness.

You're not the only one.

[Welund]

Originally Posted by bocian

You're not the only one.

So far I've come up with, "die because f*ck you," but that would be rude.

[Awar]

What a weird and boring article, showing a weird and boring underworld

Why do I think these rooms are full of ugly and/or dull people?

Sorta like a STAR TREK convention ( only in the dark, and with HARD SEX instead of STAR TREK ), a place where braindead people meet likeminded individuals and enjoy their common idiocy.

You can imagine it, come on

[Susi]

All I can say is, I'm frightened. ._.

[Arthur Gordon Pym]

The answer to the question you put in the title is contained in the second part of the question itself...

[Caesar Princeps]

the horror...the horror...

[Susi]

Originally Posted by Caesar Princeps

the horror...the horror...

Let's have a support group!

[Franze]

Aquilino Polaino is making a huge work like the people who treat the nimphomany, they aren´t good seen by the powers but they are saving many people.