How To Make Your Very Own Weeping Icons!

[Alkman]

Our guide to financial independence and tax-free income







METHOD 1

You will need

1) An flat, rectangular piece of wood
2) A piece of string
3) Waterproof varnish
4) Paints of various colours OR a print of The Theotokos (or any other saint, for that matter)
5) A pin


Take your piece of wood and attach the string to it. Throw it in sea water with the string exposed, and leave it there for as long as possible (at least two weeks). Take it out, let the surface dry and apply at least four coats of waterproof varnish to seal in the moisture. When the sealant hardens, glue the print of the saint, or get a child to paint you a simple two-dimensional image (it doesn't take much skill).

Apply a further coat of varnish and throw your icon around a bit, to give it that old rustic look of authenticity. Mix a small amount of brown wood stain (5%) with your final coat of varnish for an antique look.

When all this has dried, take the pin and make two pricks over the saint’s eyes. The trapped moisture will escape, causing your holy icon to weep. Many non-believers will want to taste the tears, doubting the miracle. When they place the oozing saltwater on their tongues they will throw themselves in front of the icon, seeking its forgiveness.



METHOD 2

This one's easy. Take a photo of an already weeping icon and place it in a large ornate frame, behind a piece of glass some distance from the photo. The light reflecting from the glass will give the impression that the tears are three dimensional. You would think that any half-wit observing the icon over some time would notice that the tears have not moved. However, this scam has been pulled off successfully a number of times.



METHOD 3

Another cheap and nasty method is to get some high density cooking oil with an eye dropper and place some drops around the icon's eyes. The oil (myrrh) will not evaporate like water and the effect will last for some time. The best results with this one are achieved if the icon is at an angle. Why any saint would want to weep Spanish olive oil is beyond us.



METHOD 4

You will need

1) A porous wad or sponge
2) A long, thin nail
3) A hammer
4) Tough adhesive tape
5) A wooden icon

Take the nail and hammer a hole that penetrates the thickness of the wooden icon, where the eyes are. Drench a wad or sponge in oil or any other liquid (including bodily fluids, if you like). Now take this to the back of the picture and place it over the holes. When you press this against the wood, the fluid will ooze through them.

For a more continuous effect, which only lasts a short time, you can tape this to the back of the icon. However, in this case you will need to place the frame at an angle, as it will not sit flush against the wall. You may also choose to adorn the area around the frame, so that believers cannot see behind it.

If this seems too cumbersome, just squeeze the sponge once and take it away. Tell the believers that the tears are sporadic and that you will collect some for them with cotton wool/balls... for a price of course.
Now all you need to do is wait for money to roll in! Your church will become prosperous and you will have the funds to build a new house or buy a Mercedes… and all this WITHOUT PAYING TAX!








TESTIMONIES FROM OUR SATISFIED CUSTOMERS

"My husband used to be a member of the Communist Party, until I cured his haemorrhoids with a few drops of Panagia’s tears. Now he goes to church every Sunday and doesn’t bother me for sex anymore. Thank you!"

- Despina, Kalamata

"Since I started using myrrh instead of normal petrol my spaceships have run more efficiently, saving me trips to the mechanic."
- Anestis, Seirios

"I put miracle tears in my son’s syringes and now he has gone to live in a monastery. He still uses drugs, but at least he’s happy."
- Svetana, Cerna Gora

"I ordered my soldiers to dip their rounds in myrrh before target practice. The accuracy of the unit has improved by 75%. I wonder what implications this has on national defence."
- Maj. G. Bouradas, Tripoli

"We visited an orphanage in Romania. My friend Roula suggested we put some miracle tears in the children’s bottles. Within ten days they had all put on weight. One of them is almost as fat as Christodoulos."
- Malamo, Athens