Relationship of Narcissism and Forgiveness

[Menydh]

Case psychologist Exline studies relationship of narcissistic personality, forgiveness

Eureka
March 2, 2005

Forgiveness is hard to do…especially for entitled people

When harsh words or actions tear a relationship apart, forgiveness can sometimes mend it. Because forgiveness implies letting go of justified feelings of resentment, it can be costly in terms of pride. Certain types of people--those with a high sense of narcissistic entitlement--may be especially reluctant to face the costs of forgiving others, according to Case Western Reserve University psychologist Julie Exline. The Case assistant professor of psychology examines the narcissistic personality in terms of its ability to forgive, in the article "Too Proud to Let Go: Narcissistic Entitlement as a Barrier to Forgiveness" in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. According to Exline, the idea of the narcissist grew out of Greek mythology and the concept of excessive admiration toward oneself. "As part of that self-admiration, narcissists typically have a sense of entitlement in which they feel superior to others and expect special, preferential treatment," she said. "When social relationships do not provide the special treatment that is expected, the entitled person is quickly offended and demands repayment or revenge to rectify the situation.

"For people with a sense of entitlement, letting go of justifiable feelings of resentment may be regarded as too costly or as morally inappropriate. Exline was the lead author on the Journal article, with contributing researchers Roy Baumeister from Florida State University, Brad Bushman from the University of Michigan, W. Keith Campbell from the University of Georgia, and Eli Finkel from Northwestern University.

"Because of their inflated sense of entitlement, narcissists will be easily offended by others and will not readily forgive," write the researchers. "They will insist that others repay them and will be reluctant to 'lose face' by forgiving--particularly if justice has not been restored." The report also states that entitled persons not only expect special treatment, but also have an overwhelming preoccupation with defending their rights. This focus on defending self-interest can get in the way of forgiveness.

The researchers completed six studies that examined people's willingness to forgive in a variety of situations, including cases from everyday life in which people were hurt or offended, hypothetical offense situations, and a laboratory-based game situation in which one subject was faced with aggressive behavior by another. Across all six studies, a sense of entitlement was associated with unforgiving attitudes. The researchers also tracked forgiveness over time, and again, found that narcissistic individuals would not let go of their grudges. The studies also revealed that the effects of entitlement operated independently from other major predictors of forgiveness, such as religiosity, relationship closeness, offense severity and the presence of apologies.

"These studies suggest that a sense of entitlement is a substantial barrier to forgiveness," stated Exline. "Entitled people are likely to insist on full repayment before they will consider forgiving. If they don't receive this payment, they will often hold grudges on principle. Over time, such unforgiving tendencies may prevent the healing of wounded relationships and lead to social alienation."



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[Awar]

I've frequently met the opposite ( in a way )...
Among the religious people, many of them have a need to forgive things, with a lot of pomp.

To appear messiah-like in their forgiveness... like they are the center of the universe... a person who forgives to appear 'higher', not because of practical reasons, or because of love for the person who made the mistake.

[Menydh]

Errare humanum est, ignoscere divinum.

[Awar]

I don't know latino there buddy
I do know that I don't believe in forgiving... I forgive, but
there always has to be some reason for that, not just the desire to
end up in heaven after I die, or something silly like that

[Menydh]

Originally Posted by Awar

I don't know latino there buddy

"To err is human, to forgive is divine".

It works in both directions. You can say that Latin phrase to mean that you forgive because it takes a supreme being to forgive, or alternatively you can use it to mean that, since you are human, you leave it up to God to forgive.

I do know that I don't believe in forgiving... I forgive, but
there always has to be some reason for that, not just the desire to
end up in heaven after I die, or something silly like that

Come on.. you are intelligent more than enough to understand that "Heaven" is figurative speaking, little more than an allegory.

I am quite unforgiveness myself. Well, it depends greatly upon the offense. Most of those that I don't forgive it is because I do know that they are worthless and beyond redemption. Others, just because I couldn't care less about their miserable lives.

It is more the character than the offense what I do not forgive.

[Awar]

Originally Posted by Mynydd

I am quite unforgiveness myself. Well, it depends greatly upon the offense. Most of those that I don't forgive it is because I do know that they are worthless and beyond redemption. Others, just because I couldn't care less about their miserable lives.

True.

It is more the character than the offense what I do not forgive.

Me too.

[trinacria]

I find that life is too short to hold grudges and not forgive. People who walk around with a 'puss' on their faces all day and don't forgive the little things aren't hurting anyone but themselves, I think. However, there comes a point in time when enough is enough and you need to put your foot down and say "this is the end of the line as far as forgiveness is concerned". I will go out of my way to be nice to someone.. out of my wayyyy. Do me wrong once? Okay, people make mistakes. Twice? Fine, I'll give you one more strike. Three times? Get as far away from me as you can! I like some people so much I'll even give them four tries. Actually, if the 'offense' is minor I can forgive and start off on a clean slate.

[Menydh]

If life is so short, then why waste your time with forgiving those who you know are worthless?

[trinacria]

I see it differently. If someone is totally worthless, nine out of ten times I wouldn't waste my breath being so nice to them in the first place.

[Cristoforo]

I generally forgive unintentional offenses but when I feel that someone wanted to offend me on purpose (even if the offense is not really something that would upset me) then I don't forgive unless that someone proves to me that he/she is sorry.

In some cases, I forgive (just forget maybe?) only because I start suffering from anxiety to get revenge. In other instances, I just ignore them because reacting would ruin something more important. Of course, one has to have considerable self-control to do so.

[Graeme]

I must be as far from divinity as any human can be. I don't forgive. I have one of those memories that does not fade. Someone said that revenge is a dish best served cold. I am not sure what narcissism is, but loving oneself is more important than loving anyone else including one's people or God. Life maybe short but running away from negative feelings, emotions or offensive people is not really living. I would chose life and unforgiveness than forgiving everyone who treats you like shit because you are too scared to stand up for yourself. It is up to you choose life or some form of zombihood.

[trinacria]

Originally Posted by Graeme

I must be as far from divinity as any human can be. I don't forgive. I have one of those memories that does not fade. Someone said that revenge is a dish best served cold. I am not sure what narcissism is, but loving oneself is more important than loving anyone else including one's people or God. Life maybe short but running away from negative feelings, emotions or offensive people is not really living. I would chose life and unforgiveness than forgiving everyone who treats you like shit because you are too scared to stand up for yourself. It is up to you choose life or some form of zombihood.

Forgiving people and generally being a pleasant person in life is not zombiehood, by any means.

[Milesian]

I could personally hold a grudge for a lifetime with little effort
I find it a much greater test of the strength of my character to forgive and put things in the past.