'I love my mixed race baby - but why does she feel so alien?'

[Aptrgangr]

'I love my mixed race baby - but why does she feel so alien?'

by LOWRI TURNER - More by this author » Last updated at 19:49pm on 12th July 2007

"She's getting very dark, isn't she?" This is what one of my friends recently said about my much adored - 12-week-old daughter.

She didn't mean to be rude. But it was a comment that struck me with the force of a jab to the stomach.

Immediately, I was overwhelmed by a confusion of emotions. I felt protective, insulted, worried, ashamed, guilty, all at once. The reason? My lovely, wriggly, smiley baby is mixed race.

Now, I think of myself as pretty 'right on'. My home is on the border of the London Republic of Hackney. I've been to the Notting Hill Carnival, even if I found the music a bit loud. Yet now I realise what a 'white' world I inhabit.

I am white and I have two sons from my first marriage who are both milky complexioned and golden haired. My twin sister, who I spend a lot of time with, has a Danish partner. As a consequence, she has two boys who are also pale skinned and flaxen haired.

Into this positively Scandinavian next generation, I have now injected a tiny, dark-skinned, dark-haired girl. To say she stands out is an understatement.

My colouring and that of my children has never really been an issue before. However, three years ago I met the man who became my second husband and who is the father of my daughter.

Although born in the UK, his parents came from India in the Sixties. This makes him British-Asian and our daughter mixed race.

There is another more PC term for the plump little bundle I strap to my front. She is 'dual heritage'. It's a bit trendy, but I quite like it. It implies a pride in coming from two cultures, rather than the less attractive connotations of 'mixed race'.

The usual time something is labelled 'mixed' is when it's a packet of nuts and they've bulked out the luxury cashews with cheaper peanuts. I'm not sure I want my daughter to be regarded as an adulterated version of some pure original. Still, it is the most accepted description.

The truth is, whatever the label, the fact there is a label proves that my daughter's conflicting parentage matters.

At the more frothy end of the scale, mixed-race children are regarded as pretty dolls — white kids with a nice tan.

When I was pregnant and people asked me about the child I was having, and I explained her father was Indian, they would often coo something along the lines of: "Ooh, she's going to be beautiful!" as if I was discussing a new rose, made from an exotic cross-breeding programme.

On a less benevolent level, mixed-race children can receive a hostile welcome from both white and black communities. Being neither one thing nor another may get you on the cover of Vogue, but it isn't an easy way to make friends.

But this is 2007, surely things are more enlightened than that? I hope so, but I fear not.
One reason for my fear is my own mixed reactions to my daughter. Don't get me wrong, I love her. She is the child I didn't think I'd have after my first marriage broke up. She is the only granddaughter in our family and we all dote on her.

But when I turn to the mirror in my bedroom to admire us together, I am shocked. She seems so alien. With her long, dark eyelashes and shiny, dark brown hair, she doesn't look anything like me.

I know that concentrating on how my daughter looks is shallow. She is a person in her own right, not an accessory to me. But still, I can't shake off the feeling of unease.
I didn't realise how much her looking different would matter and, on a rational level, I know it shouldn't. But it does.

Evolution demands that we have children to pass on our genes, hence the sense of pride and validation we get when we see our features reappearing in the next generation.

With my daughter, I don't have that. Do black fathers who marry white women and then have paler-skinned children feel my sense of loss? Or maybe Chinese mothers or Middle-Eastern grandparents grieve when they see a child they know to be their own, but whose features don't reflect that?

I worry that, as my daughter doesn't look like me, people will assume she is adopted. After all, it's all the rage in showbiz circles.

Madonna famously scooped up a black child when she wanted to be a mother again and Angelina Jolie appears to be assembling a 'pick 'n' mix' of kids from different countries. It's all very United Colours of Benetton, isn't it?

In the real world, I fear for my daughter's sense of self. She has a tiny foot in two cultures. How will she negotiate a path between the two? I worry that my sons will feel less of a kinship with their sister because she is different, although there is no sign of that.

As for myself, there is an inescapable status issue to address. White women who have non-white children are stigmatised as 'Tracy Towerblocks' living on benefits, most of which they spend on lager and fags.

Even if I don't fit this profile, my daughter's difference definitely points out the fact that my children come from two different fathers.
If I wanted to pass us off as a nice, neat nuclear family, she would blow my cover at once.

But it is more than that. I am frightened, frightened of others' reactions to her, as well as my own. I didn't think of myself as racist and yet my daughter has shown me a side of myself about which I feel deeply uncomfortable.

Even admitting to having mixed feelings about her not being blonde and blue eyed, I feel disloyal and incredibly guilty.

I know the obvious comment is that I must have known how a child of our union would look when I married an Indian man, but it is a wise woman who thinks that far ahead when she falls in love.

I didn't think about any of this before I got pregnant. I wanted to have a baby. Her colour and culture were immaterial then.

But self-flagellation is not useful. I have more pressing concerns. I am now the mother of a 'black' child, even if she is more the hue of weak tea than espresso.
This is a role for which I am utterly unprepared. Part of me thinks I should be playing sitar music to her in her cot, mastering pakoras and serving them dressed in a sari, but that would be fantastically fake coming from me.

When she was born, pale but with lots of dark hair, I asked the midwife if her eyes would stay blue. 'Asian genes are very strong,' she said in what I took to be an ominous tone.

No more Brady Bunch kids for me. The midwife has been proved right and every day my baby's eyes get a little darker.

Even so, when she looks up at me as I feed her, my heart melts. My love may not be colour blind, but hers is, and that is truly humbling.

\'I love my mixed race baby - but why does she feel so alien?\' | the Daily Mail

[Strengthandhonour]

very good article.
I have seen a lot of mixed race couples with children getting very hostile when the race of their children is brought up. It's almost like they know they have done something wrong but they don't want to face it or think about it. Like they have let someone down but don't want to take the blame for it. I had read a while back that mothers are more likely to love the child if it resembles the family, or something like that.

[Hump]

I doubt this woman said the bulk of the commentary. Sounds to refined for a woman who has sex with asians/blacks.

[Tabitha]

Of course she said/wrote it, she's a well know journalist.

I think it's a very good article, she's very courageous to write this as she immediately opens herself to demonisation from both wooly liberals and from our own brethern for the "sporting pursuit" that led her in to these existential musings.

I think it makes for a very sad read, the caul for the consequences of her behaviour has slipped just a little too late for her.

Originally Posted by Hump

I doubt this woman said the bulk of the commentary. Sounds to refined for a woman who has sex with asians/blacks.

[Menydh]

My love may not be colour blind, but hers is, and that is truly humbling.

She is still 12 weeks old. Wait until she grows seeing how her identity is not the same as that of her half-brothers, or her mother, ... or even her father.

[Carnyx]

Originally Posted by Mynydd

She is still 12 weeks old. Wait until she grows seeing how her identity is not the same as that of her half-brothers, or her mother, ... or even her father.

Indeed, she will probably try to turn into a good Indian. Mixed race children rarely adopt the European side of them (fortunately), not that they cherish their other part either. Deep whithin I'm pretty sure they hate their condition. It mustn't be easy everyday.

[Franze]

Very surprising and courageous article speaking about the "beauty" of the multiracialism, the next years would be disastrous in this way, but we can do, I don´t want to get married with a non-white girl but I see mixed couples each time more and more. But what you can say, it´s their life, not mine, isn´t it?

[Errigal]

As for myself, there is an inescapable status issue to address. White women who have non-white children are stigmatised as 'Tracy Towerblocks' living on benefits, most of which they spend on lager and fags.


Even if I don't fit this profile, my daughter's difference definitely points out the fact that my children come from two different fathers.
If I wanted to pass us off as a nice, neat nuclear family, she would blow my cover at once.

This gives us all a good idea of how to prevent silly, selfish women like her from making the same mistake: make it clear that having mixed race children from different fathers means a big drop in social status.

[Hussar]

Originally Posted by Strengthandhonour

. It's almost like they know they have done something wrong but they don't want to face it or think about it. Like they have let someone down but don't want to take the blame for it.

That's the point..........what i really HATE is the deep hipocrisy of multiracialist peoples. They want to feel themselves more evoluted than others, they want the right of doing all what they want (as dating non-europeans), they criticise the "non-responsable people" but at the end the only non-responsable people are them.

They don't accept the consequences of their actions.............but, i wonder, WHY the people don't reflect BEFORE to act ?? It's rather simple......and VITAL when the subject is so important as the birth of your child........your blood.

The women in question wasn't an ignorant teen-ager, and neither a young girl...............HOW can do such reflections at this point ? PURE hypocrisy . I mean, i appreciate the courage of this woman (and its utility : so all the people who read the article know the deep truth) besides i can vaguely perceive her intimate state...... but to be really honest, i don't have any comprehension for her condition. It's not the result of unawarness (as pregnant teenagers, for ex.) or ignorance, but it's simply the result of a COMPLETE indifference toward herself.......her identity, her ethnic background , her ancestors, etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc..............she couldn't care less about her own heritage, and NOW she cries desperately if her "adorate" daughter look, doesn't reseamble to herself.........i repeat : pure hypocrisy

I had read a while back that mothers are more likely to love the child if it resembles the family, or something like that.

"Strengthandhonour"............thank you for reporting this line (i heard the same, to be sincere).

For me (personal opinion), this kind of behaviour (if it's true), is the highest expression of idiocy and falsity of the common people........if you want your children looking like the rest of the family, WHY you choice a partner of another race ?? Aren't you aware that your child will not reseamble at all your family (especially if you're european, since Caucasian genes are more recessive in front of more esotic genes)

Isn't a bit too late, to recriminate and to do sad reflections, after the birth of the "black" son ? If you want to do such kind of reflections, do them before to be pregnant............it's unusefull, now, to be desperate if your daughter hasn't your BLUE eyes or your GOLDEN hair, or if she is short-statured or other.........if you liked those traits, If you care really about your own "BIO-TYPE" then you hadn't to marry an indian man. End of story. NO complaints, please.

If a Finnish girl dates a NIGERIAN guy, she can't hope to see a blond ivory skinned baby at the hospital, the day of the birth of their son...........It would be absurd and fool to have such expectation ; she will see simply a negrid baby (almost equal to her nigerian partner), completely alien to her social stratum with nothing in common with her "BIO-TYPE", or the bio-story of Finnic peninsula.



However, the article in the complex is a good confirmation of MANY things...........Excellent work, APTGANGR.

[Hussar]

She is still 12 weeks old. Wait until she grows seeing how her identity is not the same as that of her half-brothers, or her mother, ... or even her father.

Sorry to be brutal, but if she looks dark at this age, it means her personal genetic recombination sees a massive predominance of indian genes (in the phenotypic sphere at least).........at the age of 18 , will look like an average Bombay girl. No traits of the European side. Neither a single one.

I dubt her life will be connected (if not marginally) with her nordid brothers or cousins.......she will be considered like a little coloured mistake.

[Señor Malo]

Originally Posted by Franze

Very surprising and courageous article speaking about the "beauty" of the multiracialism, the next years would be disastrous in this way, but we can do, I don´t want to get married with a non-white girl but I see mixed couples each time more and more. But what you can say, it´s their life, not mine, isn´t it?

I suppose we'd better hurry up to date an europid girl before they get all fully booked by non-europid guys

[kimm]

Originally Posted by Carnyx

Indeed, she will probably try to turn into a good Indian. Mixed race children rarely adopt the European side of them (fortunately), not that they cherish their other part either. Deep whithin I'm pretty sure they hate their condition. It mustn't be easy everyday.

I've always wondered about that. Would this be due to rejection by whites, being more so accepted by non-europeans, or because those non-european genes are more dominant?

Maybe a good mixture of many factors, but curious none the less.

[Buery]

I wonder why the father of her child, didn't seem her "alien"...

[Theobald]

Originally Posted by kimm

I've always wondered about that. Would this be due to rejection by whites, being more so accepted by non-europeans, or because those non-european genes are more dominant?

No, this phenomenon has socio-cultural reasons. Nowadays it's "cooler" to be non-European than native in Western Europe, exoticism being promoted as the highest value and racial mixing as a social model.

It's "fashion" to have foreign origins. Which explains why 80 years ago an Italian immigrant would try to hide his origins and sometimes change his family name and now his great-grandson, who is 7/8 ethnic French and does not speak a single word of Italian, proudly waves the Italian flag and sings "Fratelli d'Italia" each and every time Italy wins a football match.

In colonial/apartheid systems, where ethnic Europeans were the ruling ethnicity, and more or less a "model" of culture and civilization for natives, mixed children would try to identify with their European/"White" part. Now that MTV and 50 Cent have replaced Mozart and Victor Hugo as cultural references, we see the opposite trend. Non-European cultures, and especially the Islamic ones, are more attractive than the weak and decadent European ones.

[Errigal]

Here's something from Private Eye magazine about her:

DUMMY MUMMY
LowriTurner

THE outpourings of newspaper columnist and TV airhead Lowri Turner have set new records on the Polly Filler scale over the last fortnight. In long features for both the Guardian and the Daily Mail she has shared with readers her annoyance that her new baby daughter, Ariel, is "