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THE SHANKILL MOANER Issue 6

Yesterday’s men - today!

ULSTER ON THE RUN AFTER UN MOTION CALLS FOR IT TO BE ARRESTED!

Ulster is today officially ‘on the run’ after the United Nations yesterday unanimously passed a motion calling for it to be arrested and charged with a ‘serious attack on our intelligence’!

Immediately following the shock happenings at the UN’s New York headquarters the elite of the DUP met at an emergency summit called by the party leadership in order to plan how best to protect Ulster from the scurrilous indictment. After more than 2 and a half hours the party emerged wearing huge smiles and spoke to reporters at the scene.

“Don’t worry, they’ll never find us to get us,” said DUP leader the Rev Ian Paisley. “Sure we exist in a black hole, we disappeared up our own arse a long time ago and we’re still in the 17th century.”

CATHOLIC CHAPEL ATTACKS PROTESTANT CHILDREN

The Blessed Mary Ever Frigid Catholic chapel in Ballymena was last night involved in the attempted abduction of two local Protestant children according to the DUP. Speaking through an interpreter, Hester MacPiggen, spokeswoman for the party’s local branch, told our reporter that the two minors had been walking past the chapel when all of a sudden it sprouted two goat-like legs and began to chase after them.

“The children told me that the chapel spires changed into devil horns and that the doors opened to reveal obscene, dragon-like teeth, bared and ready to bite Protestants,” said Mrs MacPiggen.

She further went to explain that a Roman Catholic priest was riding on the back of the beast, and had been flashing his genitals at the children while swinging a fishing net 'big enough to fit Protestants in.'











Above is a photograph the DUP claim they took of the priest they say was involved in the alleged incident. They say it shows nothing as the priest is a vampire and therefore cannot show up in photographs.


“The children were extremely frightened and ran screaming up the street," went on Mrs MacPiggen, “and were it not for local residents being alerted by the commotion and coming to their rescue I believe that both of them would be in Rome now, most likely being made to prepare Sinn Fein propaganda material.”

She then finished by calling the chapel a ‘terrorist’ and said she would be asking George Bush to include it in his worldwide War on Terror.

News in brief

DUP congratulate Northern Ireland on their 1 - 1 win over Portugal on Tuesday night.

Police have announced a 'tache amnesty starting from midnight.

Orange Order to appeal after permission refused for parade over late Pope’s grave.

Nun assaults and mugs Protestant teenager.

Statistics show crime rate in Londonderry 1000% lower than in Derry.

Met Office baffled after small tsunami hits Tandragee.

Archaeologists digging in Israel find evidence twelve apostles wore Rangers shirts